


CP9 Drabbles

by Maldoror_Chant



Series: Mal's Collected Drabbles [4]
Category: One Piece
Genre: CP9 - Freeform, Drabble Collection, M/M, Mentions of Assassinations, So very dubious sense of morals, sometimes very very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 14:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12707037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maldoror_Chant/pseuds/Maldoror_Chant
Summary: Collection of CP9 300 word drabbles written for OnePieceYaoi100





	1. Work-Related Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because a busy schedule of undercover missions and assassinations isn't hectic enough...now Lucci is going to impose _this_ on his partner. (CP9 stuff, humour, neither of which should be mixed but there you go...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Topic: Bad Company  
> Faint Lucci/Kaku (well in my mind it was.

Twenty-four hours ago, Lucci and Kaku had been burying a body in a basement. Back at Enies Lobby, they were looking at an all-night cram session to prepare for their _next_ undercover assignment, starting tomorrow. There was no rest for the wicked, but Kaku knew the good guys could have used a break...

He headed towards the percolator. Lucci was already sitting at the rec-room's table, Water 7 file in one hand and coffee in another.

"Shipwrights...could be worse." Kaku poured himself a cup, added sugar and glanced through his own folder as he stirred. "The hard part will be getting near the target. This Iceburg knows he's in our sights. He's being careful." A long-term assignment of months, maybe more, to learn a trade and gain the mark's trust. Seemed like a waste of their talents, but orders were orders.

"He's apparently got a soft spot for 'original characters'. That might be my ticket into his inner circle." Kaku could do 'original'. He read the next page as he sat opposite Lucci. "His foremen have to be tough, skilled...that's easy, but we have to catch his interest, too. How will you-..."

Kaku stared, cup halfway to his mouth.

"Lucci...why is there a pigeon on your shoulder?"

"My name is Hattori!" 

Kaku spilled his coffee. 

"I'm a carrrrrier-pigeon habituated to Zoans. I'm part of Lucci's coooover on this mission."

Kaku absently blew on his scalded fingers. He hadn't known his stone-cold killer of a partner could do that. Project his voice. To a pigeon. 

"Lucci...the file said original. That...might qualify as insane."

Lucci, still reading, sipped his coffee; the bird bobbed its head at Kaku. "What doo-ooo you mean?"

Kaku stared at the pigeon. "...This is going to be a long mission." 

"Tell me about it," cooed Hattori.


	2. Feint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Bad Company  
>  Because when I think of 'bad company', I always seem to think of Lucci. I wonder why.  
> Lucci/Paulie

The thugs had been thoroughly entangled in ropes when one of them panicked and pulled a gun on Paulie's back.

Perfect. Lucci couldn't have hoped for better if he'd planned it himself (he'd been considering it since the fight started, but hadn’t found a way of controlling all the variables).

Hattori flapped away with a screech that made Paulie look around in alarm - because it would be a pity if he missed this. Lucci himself was soundless as he shoved his fellow shipwright out of the way of the shot. 

What followed went too fast even for Paulie, much less the thugs hired by his debtors to rough him up. 

The bullet pinged harmlessly against Lucci's Tekkai, just above the abs. It didn't leave a mark. He staggered back-

"LUCCI!"

-and hit the sidewalk with a convincing thump as his finger punched a bloody groove above his fourth rib. That should do it.

The thugs scattered as the ropes fell.

"Lucci! Shit- say something!"

"Coooo?"

"NOT YOU, YOU FUCKING PIGEON!!"

Lucci modulated his voice to make Hattori sound as shaky as Paulie's hands. "...Just a graze."

Paulie found seven different ways of insulting Lucci's lack of smarts while sitting on the latter's bed, applying bandages. There was a tortured apology somewhere in there too. Then, sounding both reluctant and faintly, desperately hopeful..."Why?" 

Lucci felt Paulie's long-standing attraction towards 'the pigeon-freak' finally shatter his resistance of same when Lucci leaned over and kissed him.

It was worth a minor scratch and letting some pitiful mugger live with the belief he'd winged Rob Lucci. He was now in close with Iceburg's right hand man. Affection, a little guilt and gratitude could be made to go a long way; one reason why Lucci made it a point to always avoid all three.


	3. Better To Reign In Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Masquerade   
>  Genfic  
> Timeline: Post-series, but divergent from canon (written before we knew what Impel Down actually looked like)

Impel Down, the legendary hell-prison beneath the sea. No guards patrolled it; they wouldn't last a minute. Jailbreaks were discouraged by explosives rigged to the sea-retaining walls. Nothing else stopped the worst criminals on the Grand Line from ruling their own penitentiary as they pleased. It was ugly. In Impel Down, prisoner preyed on prisoner, the law of the strongest prevailed.

The warden knew that sentencing government agents to _that_ was synonymous to execution. The newly reformed government had condemned CP9's assassinations of innocents in the name of their 'dark Justice', but...according to rumor, its agents had been offered a deal. If they revealed CP9's existence and publicly confessed their crimes, they would be spared, and quietly reinstated to harmless deskwork - boring, but with salaries and pensions. The warden _liked_ his salary and pension, not to mention his freedom and life. He knew what he'd have said to that deal.

The agents had all refused. Now the horrified warden was escorting the six men and one woman (god help her) down past sea level to the prison gates.

"Please, agents- at least don't wear those clothes. We can disguise you as- as pirates to avoid-"

Grins and sneers were his answer.

"No thanks, sir."

"Yeah, fuck that."

"I should think not," the woman sniffed, pushing up her glasses. 

"Chapapapa!"

The doors opened. Rob Lucci looked down into the depths of hell and smiled. It was the most unpleasant expression the Warden had ever seen.

"No," Lucci said. "No more masquerades. _You out there_."

Hardened criminals, waiting to see what new victims the Warden had brought, stared up at World Government suits.

"You lot have been running things down here for awhile now. This is about to change. Justice has found you, vermin. Goodbye, warden."

The warden fled.


	4. Dangerous When Wet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Wet  
>  Lucci/Kaku
> 
> Good god, I wrote a Lucci/Kaku blanket fic. There is a special circle in hell waiting for me. It's probably cold, since being chilly makes me as grumpy as Kaku.

The weather was terrible. The weather was so bad, it deserved to be murdered in the dead of night and buried in a trench. Kaku trudged on, clutching his tracksuit for its pitiful protection. The rain was icy cold; the wind was worse.

They'd capped their target in his lighthouse hideaway a million wet miles from civilisation, so Kaku's partner, disloyally refusing to suffer with him, had morphed into half-Zoan form as soon as the first drops hit. Hattori huddled inside Lucci's jacket. Kaku wasn't vindictive by nature, but after five hours of trotting through sleet while his partner loped along in a fur coat, he hoped the both of them were at least damp. 

"We'll shelter in this cave for the night. I smell snow."

Snow. Right, that was it: the weatherman was on the hitlist. The rules said 'no civilians unless ordered' but it must be obvious to one and all that the weatherman had to die.

In the cave, Lucci stripped, morphed to full leopard, dropped to all fours and shook himself, spattering cold drops everywhere. Kaku would have put him on the hitlist next to the weatherman, but he knew his limits.

The cave was a clammy icebox. Kaku stood there and dripped and contemplated the possibility he might die not in battle, but of hypothermia. 

Then someone grabbed him.

"Ack! Lucci- _what?!_ " 

"Shut up," came a rumble overhead. 

Kaku shut up. Buried in a furry eiderdown next to Hattori, the clash of welcomed warmth, incredulity and alarm left him gaping.

"You'll freeze to death otherwise. You're too weedy," Lucci sniffed in pro-forma disdain. Furry arms/paws tightened around Kaku. "Now strip, your clothes need to dry." 

That last was more a predatory purr. 

...Kaku decided to stop thinking - thinking _bad_ \- and enjoy the growing heat...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahaha! Okay, that wasn't very good and it's heading in a direction I promised myself never to go even with those two but it was fun to write.


	5. Happy Families

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violence runs in this family. In fact, it practically gallops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Kids  
>  Lucci/Kaku and very background Kalifa/Kumadori (the people responsible for this KNOW WHO THEY ARE)
> 
> Please take this as morbid humour and don't call Child Services (Lucci would eat the social worker on toast, anyway)

When Kaku said, "Jyabura, Kumadori, even Spandam...Don't you think it's time _we_ had a baby?", Lucci correctly interpreted this as an attempt to annoy and/or disturb him and retaliated accordingly. But yanking Lucci's chain aside, Kaku regularly checked the Academy for promising recruits to take under their wing. Rokushiki had to be passed on, after all. Ambitious teens looked at him hopefully; mentoring by CP9's odd pair of its two strongest agents was a ticket to the top. But Lucci was aggressively disinterested in the 'trained puppies', and Kaku had to agree there was something missing. 

He found the missing something in the form of a skinny five year old ragamuffin inexplicably skulking behind an armchair in their quarters.

Lucci, scribbling out a report, barely glanced up at Kaku's justified what-the-hell. "That? Some suicidal pirates attacked me on my mission's return trip. The lucky ones escaped by sea, I'm sorry to say. They left that behind." 

"But why is tha- _he_ here?" 

"The whelp tried to knife me in the back and bit me when I picked him up."

It took Kaku a minute to figure out why this was an answer. By that time the kid was glowering murder at Lucci from behind the rampart of Kaku's legs, survival instincts battling a surplus of guts, venom and a desire to hurt. Yeah, in retrospect those clean-cut academy recruits never stood a chance...

"Welcome to the family, boy," Kaku told the smouldering pipsqueak. "Feel free to bite him again once I've taught you how. In the meantime, let's get you something to eat."

The kid devoured five sandwiches and hurled the sixth at Lucci, who dodged without looking. Hattori bobbed its head in avuncular approval and a resigned Kaku decided it'd work out after all...


	6. Kindergarten of Evil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Topic:** Kids  
>  Lucci/Kaku, mentions of Kalifa/Kumadori (yes, the direction of that slash is intentional, and it's all runic_binary and nirsicle's fault) and Jyabura/Gyatharin  
> Sequel a few months down the line to the Happy Families piece o' crack. *creeps away*
> 
> I, um, borrowed, Spandex-kun from Emeraldlarunya. It was just such a good name for the third generation of government lackeys.

"Yes, I'm sure I'm 'up to it'", sniffed Omata-sensei, internally adding 'since I have a list of qualifications longer than your nose.'

"Good," said Kaku, opening the door. "Because they can be quite a handful-"

" _Your hellion cheated, Lucci!_ "

"Your puppy's weak, Jyabura. Must run in the family."

" _What_?!" 

"Are these parents?" Omata-sensei asked, hoping Kaku would answer 'No, they're just two lunatics who wandered into the classroom, I'll remove them immediately.' In Omata-sensei's experience, children were manageable, parents were usually the problem.

"Lucci, Jyabura, break it up, the teacher's here."

"Him?" Jyabura scowled. "We should've hired a drill instructor. That pansy won't last the day."

Time to demonstrate a _teacher's_ worth, it seemed. Omata-sensei sternly addressed the two mussed-up children, one sporting a nosebleed. "Boys. Fighting fixes nothing."

That riveted the attention of every adult and child in the private classroom.

"Dad, is this guy for real?" one tyke finally asked. 

"Yeah, Kaku, is this guy for real?"

"Give him a chance, Jyabura."

"Are your mother and father here?" Omata-sensei asked the other child. Time for a PTA meeting _now_.

"Don't have none," the boy bit back. "Not real ones. Just those two." 

Omata-sensei, confused, looked at where the child was pointing. "Those...two?"

"Yeah. Kaku takes care of me. Lucci teaches me how to fight so one day I can kill him."

"Promising, isn't he?" said Kaku proudly. Lucci smiled with cold approval. 

Before he could answer, Omata-sensei was bowled over by a pink-haired girl jabbing at her rotund abdomen with a ruler. "S'pukutekkai! S'pukutekkai! Daddy, you do it! It's funnier!"

"Yoyoiiiii, daughter! Trrrragic atonement is not _funny_ -"

"You knocked over Spandex-kun," added a blonde woman, following the child in. "Apologize once he's finished crying to his daddy that he wants us all arrested."

 

...Omata-sensei didn't last the day.


	7. Blood Clot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Response to random prompts on LJ  
> LuccixKaku, prompt: "Blood clot" from Askerian
> 
> Timeline: Right after the Buster Call

The doctor told them they were consigned to bed rest for the next three days, no strenuous effort whatsoever, and by the way, considering their injuries and what was left of Enies Lobby, they were lucky to be alive.

Lucci gave the man a stare soaked in the blood of ten thousand murders, and the doctor didn't depart so much as gallop out of the room. Kaku closed the door and wedged a chair beneath the handle before limping back to Lucci's bed. 

The two of them had been non-existent since the age of thirteen, records removed, all trace of their passage erased, their actions always deniable by their government. And so much killing...It took very little to make a dead body out of a live one, they both knew that. 

So what followed wasn't pretty, and it was certainly not what the doctor had in mind when he mentioned 'bed rest'. It was raw and crude; blood trickled from beneath bandages as barely closed rips in flesh were torn open again. It was painful and smelled of copper and chopped meat, but it was the proof, black on white - or red on white sheets - that they were, in fact, still alive.


	8. Hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For tucuxi, Kaku, prompt: someone stealing his hat as a kid.

Every section of the World Government forces - Marines, Cipher Pol, infantry - had special schools where the best of their young pupils were taught high level combat training and, for some, the basis of a martial arts form called Rokushiki. The best of the best were sent to the academy on Enies Lobby to learn the more advanced forms if they could. 

This put teenagers from very different milieus and academies, all used to being the best of their respective schools, into a small, closed group with the knowledge that only the top five of them would still be here after six months. Needless to say, establishing the pecking order was going to be murder, and started right there in the dorm on the very first day, the instant the teacher had his back turned.

It was also needless to say who the first victim would be; whoever had sent that kid to Enies Lobby must have been _mental_. He was at least two years younger than all the other candidates, no more than twelve, smallish, and he just looked...ugh, he looked cute. Big wide eyes, silly long nose, adorable sandy curls peeking from beneath a too-large cap...this kid was dead meat, and it was only a matter of who would be quick enough to pick on him first.

"Hey, kid. Nice hat." One of the bigger predators was already closing in. Others ringed the victim, ready to challenge for the rights to be big dog, or falling to heel behind one of the likely contenders for protection and to avoid winding up in the infirmary like this pitiful kid.

The resulting fracas ended in three broken fingers, a few wrenched arms, a cracked skull and a couple of early drop-outs from the program. 

The kid put his cap back on and said, oddly formal but with a genial smile. "Yes, it is a nice hat, and it's mine, thank you." 

Nobody looked ready to contest that anymore. 

Out of sight, the teacher found the kid's name on a list and wrote 'CP9' next to it.


	9. Wardrobe Malfunction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For dethorats, Kalifa, prompt: thoughts on Miss All-Sunday's wardrobe  
> Way past the 300 word limit on this one ^^;

Breep breep breep-click.

"Hello?"

"It's me. Talk."

"Ah, good evening, Lucci."

"Have you made contact with the suspect?"

"Yes, finally. It took a lot of work, but my cover as a weapons dealer got me into a meeting with the vice president of this Baroque Works today. I was able to play the 'woman to woman' card to arrange to meet her face to face without going through a middleman. But I'm afraid I couldn't ascertain if this Miss All Sunday was the target we are looking for." 

"What is this person like?"

"Intelligent, I guess. Most certainly intelligent, yes. Charming, though in a rather grating way."

"Have you been able to get her to reveal any clue as to her identity?"

"No, sir, but then again, Baroque Works seem to cultivate paranoia to a fine art even within the ranks of the organisation. Hence these ridiculous code names. Why any self-respecting woman should accept to be named after a frivolous holiday when her male counterpart-"

"I fail to care. Is there anything else you can give me on this All Sunday? We have to leave for Water Seven within the week, if this is a valid lead we need to follow it now."

"I'm afraid I don't have much more, sir. We only had the one meeting. This woman is smart and cautious. Doesn't seem to like the government much - but then again, she is the vice-president of a criminal organisation. She speaks like someone who has a good education, but when I dangled a little snippet of information about ponyglyphs, she showed absolutely no interest."

"I see. And physically?"

"Oh, she's good looking, definitely, and does she ever know it, but she dresses like a tart. Skirt slit right up the side, _with_ thigh-high boots. No class."

"..."

"Sir? Hello-"

"Kalifa."

"Yes?"

"In the future, keep such trivial assessments to yourself. Does she resemble Nico Robin?"

"Oh. Sorry, sir. Yes, she does, but the only ID we have of Nico Robin is fifteen years old, so I'm not sure we can rely on that."

"I see. Very well, come back to Enies Lobby. We don't have the time to dig her out of her organisation on such slim grounds."

"Yes sir. Ah, Lucci..."

"What?"

"This Baroque Works. I investigated them along with All Sunday. The bounty hunting is definitely a front to smuggling, contract killings and such, but....it seems they have grander aims than that. I think they might be planning a coup in Alabasta. Fostering dissent, arming the rebels, pitting them against the army. Hundreds of thousands of people could potentially be involved. Possibly assassination of the royal family; they have the people to do it."

"So?"

"...Shouldn't we intervene?"

"We have no orders to that effect. One of the other Cipher Pol agencies can handle that, assuming they can follow up on your leads without exposing your cover. The secrecy surrounding CP9 is important to our government, probably more important than some small country whose main export is sand and camels. Put it in your report if it makes you feel better, but I want you back here in forty-eight hours. We have a train to catch."

"Yes sir."

Click.


End file.
